Bad Therapy: Why the Kids Aren't Growing Up

Mental health experts have insisted upon a false idea of perfectionism in the parent-child relationship, yet relationships are valuable for their own sake and not because they conform to a pattern. Spontaneous and unregulated interactions are healthy and shouldn’t be avoided. Most importantly, parents need to give their children space, allowing them independence, responsibility, and the risk of failure. Shrier recommends reducing what parents do for their children—including supplying technological equipment and arranging activities—by one-third. Children benefit from small failures and injuries. Parents should not feed worries in their children and should not praise them for mundane accomplishments. If a child has a problem, a parent should not immediately refer that child to a mental health expert.

Recounting her own experiences, Shrier notes that she stopped monitoring her children’s homework. When her nine-year-old daughter asked to walk to and from the bus stop by herself, she allowed it. Although it frightened Shrier, she knew that there is a “window of independence” when children want to take a risk on their own (218). If not granted, children stop asking for it. She had her sons do errands and noticed that they began to take note of their surroundings. Highly recommending a technology-free sleep-away camp, Shrier emphasizes the importance of parents simply getting out of their children’s way.