Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life

Boundaries: When to Say Yes, When to Say No To Take Control of Your Life (1992) was written by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. Cloud and Townsend, two California-based Christian psychologists, wrote the book in response to their observations of destructive habits that accompanied a lack of personal boundaries, particularly in the Christian community. The premise of the book is rooted in what the authors call “a biblical view of boundaries” (24), the principles and ideas discussed being deeply connected to illustrations and passages from the Bible. As Cloud and Townsend articulate their view of how boundaries operate in people’s lives, they examine how relationships can either flourish or fail depending on the circumstances and characteristics of each person in a relationship, and whether healthy boundaries are in play. Since its publication, Boundaries has become a widely cited book and yielded several follow-up publications, such as Boundaries in Marriage (1999) and Boundaries for Leaders (2013).

Summary

Boundaries is divided into three parts: Part 1 (“What Are Boundaries?”), Part 2 (“Boundary Conflicts”) and Part 3 (“Developing Healthy Boundaries”). By defining boundaries in Part 1, Cloud and Townsend are able to explore the intricate dynamics of various types of boundary conflicts and offer practical advice on how to live with boundaries for the rest of the book.

The authors open Part 1 by illustrating a life without healthy boundaries via Sherrie, a character created to accentuate such a life being both physically and emotionally exhausting. At the end of Chapter 1, the authors then explain the rationale behind their book, which is to help people understand why boundaries matter, especially within the context of living according to biblical principles. As Christians, the authors establish that the Bible will serve as a foundational reference for justifying the need for boundaries.

For the remainder of Part 1, the authors define what boundaries are, then examine how these boundaries operate in people’s daily lives. In Chapter 2, the authors tell the story of Bill, a 25-year-old man whose lack of personal responsibility frustrates his parents to the point of desperation. The authors diagnose the issue as a problem of boundaries on the parents’ part, as they struggle to say “no” to Bill, thereby failing to establish healthy boundaries. Boundaries are invisible property lines, distinguishing people's own responsibilities and sense of self from those of others.

In Chapter 3, the authors identify common boundary problems, which often consist of different types of people: compliants (people who say “yes” to the bad), avoidants (whose struggle is saying “no” to the good), controllers (those who don’t respect others’ boundaries), and nonresponsives (those who don’t hear others’ needs). In Chapter 4, the authors describe how boundaries are formed and developed—even in humans’ earliest stages of development—as they begin to understand themselves as separate, individual entities (just as a toddler starts to cognitively process that they and their mother are not the same person). This understanding of individuality is essential to the process of developing boundaries, yet so many people often revert to the notion that they’re responsible for others’ needs even when they’re not. The authors conclude Part 1 in Chapters 5-6 by naming the Ten Laws of Boundaries, principles with which to establish healthy boundaries, and Common Boundary Myths, eight misconceptions about the nature of boundaries.

In Part 2, the authors break down seven different types of boundary conflicts: family (Chapter 7), friends (Chapter 8), spouse (Chapter 9), children (Chapter 10), work (Chapter 11), yourself (Chapter 12), and God (Chapter 13). In each of these chapters, the authors use a combination of case studies and illustrations, common trends in the particular conflict being addressed, and suggestions for resolving the conflict in order to provide readers with an in-depth examination of how these boundary conflicts affect all quadrants of relational spheres. From family upbringing to professional life to spiritual life, boundaries (or lack of boundaries) permeate every area of the human experience.

In Part 3, the authors prescribe methods for developing healthy boundaries and the potential obstacles that may arise in doing so. Chapter 14 centers on the notion that people often face both external and internal resistance in the process of establishing healthy boundaries in their lives. This resistance is a natural part of the journey rather than an indication that boundaries are an inherently flawed concept. As the authors argue, “Running into resistance is a good sign that you are doing what you need to do” (266). In Chapter 15, the authors discuss success in terms of boundaries—including an 11-step guide that starts with identifying one’s own resentment and anger when boundaries are crossed and ends with value-driven goal setting (which can only flourish once healthy boundaries are established and tested).

In Chapter 16, the authors return to Sherrie, the woman whose life in Chapter 1 was so chaotic and disorganized without boundaries that she barely had time to breathe. Now, the authors paint a different picture of Sherrie’s life, one in which she is able to say “no” to toxic elements and “yes” to the things that bring her joy and enthusiasm. The authors’ closing words express hope and prayer for their readers to find the same peace that Sherrie feels now that she has a lifestyle of healthy boundaries.