Come As You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life

Dr. Nagoski’s work Come as You Are could be described in a single sentence: Sex is different for everyone, and everyone is normal. Throughout the book, she describes the subjective experiences of numerous women who are experiencing challenges in their sexual lives. In each scenario, Dr. Nagoski recognizes the one question that informs their reservations and anxieties: “Am I normal?”

The opening chapter introduces the reader to Olivia, who enjoys watching herself masturbate in a mirror. Olivia explains to Dr. Nagoski that she has high testosterone, which translates to a more vigorous sexual appetite. Dr. Nagoski informs Olivia that there is no correlation between high testosterone and sexual voracity. Later, Dr. Nagoski realizes that what Olivia was looking for was not a science lesson—instead, she was seeking affirmation that her sexual experience and impulses were normal.

One of the ways the book illustrates the normality of sexual experiences is by describing the physical anatomy of both men and women as having all the same parts, just organized slightly differently. In the battlefield of sex mythology, recognizing that “[y]our body is doing what bodies do, and that’s a beautiful thing” is the strongest armor available (213). Both men and women have various accelerators and brakes that impact sexual desire and arousal.