Grief Is for People

Content Warning: This section of the guide includes discussion of death by suicide and mental illness.

“Human beings are the only animals that experience denial. All creatures will try to survive under attack, will burrow when under siege or limp through the forest. But they recognize trouble when it hits. Not one fish in the history of fish, having gotten its fins chewed off, needs another fish’s perspective: I don’t know, Tom, that looks pretty bad. Denial is humankind’s specialty, our handy aversion. We are so allergic to our own mortality; we’ll do anything to make it not so. Denial is also the weirdest state of grief because it so closely mimics stupidity. But it can’t be helped. I can’t be helped. I am holding these losses as an aunt might, as if they are familiar but not quite mine As if they are books I will be allowed to return to some centralized sadness library.”

Here, Crosley muses on the first stage of grief, denial. She finds this stage frustrating because it is so irrational; however, in retrospect, she sees the way that denial of Russell’s death is a natural, normal, and healthy coping mechanism. In pretending that Russell is not truly dead, she attempts to trick the brain into avoiding experiencing the unpleasant, sad thoughts that the death of a loved one brings.

“The day Russell died, he posted a picture of wildflowers on Instagram. ‘Rudbeckia running rampant along the north side of the barn,’ he wrote. I suppose it’s a sign of our times that his last written words are in the form of a caption. Rudbeckia running rampant. What a pleasant series of sounds. It’s tempting to connect the photograph with what happened later that evening. That way the subsequent horror is not so out of the blue. The way the extraordinary has an on-ramp. It’s tempting to reach through the screen, place a palm against the barn wall, and whisper: Don’t. But it’s just a picture he took before he left the house.”

After the fact of Russell’s death, his actions and other occurrences take on heightened meaning for Crosley in her attempt to not only understand what drove Russell to death by suicide but also discern whether she or others missed hints that this act was forthcoming. At times, such as when Crosley reads the caption of a final social media post that Russell made, she realizes that his actions were not likely fraught with the kind of significance she wishes they were. This kind of acceptance is an important step in the stages of grief for Crosley.

“The burglary is a tornado, ripping up insecurities, exposing their roots. This is all my fault for not moving homes or cities, for not taking certain jobs or marrying certain men, for looking backward all the time when I should be looking forward. I dwell too much. I hold on to things I shouldn’t, to people I shouldn’t […] I promise to change. If only someone will take away the mental block that keeps me from solving this one mystery, from answering this one question, I promise to move forward.”

Crosley’s beliefs about why the burglary occurred are rooted in emotion rather than logic. At a later point, she acknowledges this, but in the moment, her attempt to assign responsibility to herself is a means of obtaining control.