Hijab Butch Blues: A Memoir

Lamya describes her “favorite verse in the Quran” (ix), verse 2:260, where the prophet Ibrahim says that he has questions for God. Lamya remarks that like Ibrahim, she also has questions about her life that she directs to God.

Lamya opens her memoir with a memory of being in class at age 14 and reading Surah Maryam, a portion of the Quran that describes the story of Maryam (known as Mary in English). Having never read the story in English translation, she remembers being struck by the passage that describes Maryam in pain while giving birth to Isa (Jesus), saying, “Oh, I wish I had died before this and was in oblivion, forgotten” (7).

Lamya also wanted to die when she was 14, even though she believed that from an outside perspective, nothing appeared to be wrong in her life. She fantasized about disappearing and “practice[d]” it whenever she could. When she was at dinner parties with her parents’ friends or out at the mall with her friends, she would attempt to disappear by not speaking or hiding from her reflection. Rather than wanting to take her own life, Lamya wanted “like Maryam […] to be in oblivion, forgotten” (13).