The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever

The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever is a 2016 self-help book by Michael Bungay Stanier. The book proposes using seven questions to foster more meaningful conversations between managers and staff—the result being improved communication and job satisfaction. Bungay Stanier advises that rather than rescue staff members, managers should learn to lead staff toward developing the skills necessary to solve problems on their own. Effectively, the coaching habits in the book are ways in which a manager can empower those whom they are tasked with leading.

This guide is based on the 2016 Kindle edition.

Summary

The introduction to The Coaching Habit: Say Less, Ask More & Change the Way You Lead Forever suggests why leaders should consider its advice. While there is a growing demand for leadership training, and a robust market for it, current patterns in leadership development seem to be stalling and ineffective. Citing data from surveys, Michael Bungay Stanier demonstrates that a majority of workers do not feel as though they are being coached effectively at all. This highlights an obvious gap between what managers are taught in leadership development programs, and how these skills fail to translate well in real world applications. Bungay Stanier positions his methodology within this gap, arguing that in order to be a more effective leader, one must learn more effective ways to communicate, beginning with mastery of conversational skills that create reciprocity.

Each chapter introduces a specific question that managers are advised to ask those whom they lead. There are seven questions; therefore, there are seven chapters. Within each chapter, there is a discussion of how the question can be applied, why the question is effective, and what types of outcomes can be expected. Within each chapter, there is a section that mimics a workbook where readers can write. The title of these sections are “Build Your New Habit Here,” and each follows a three-part structure beginning with “When this happens,” followed by “Instead of,” and concluding with “I will.” Here, the book encourages reflection and affords readers the opportunity to take specific measures to improve their coaching performance. There are also sections entitled “From the Box of Crayons Lab.” Here, Bungay Stanier presents neuroscience and psychology-related findings from his company Box of Crayons that further justify the effectiveness of a particular question. Finally, each chapter concludes with a section entitled “Question Masterclass.” Here, Bungay Stanier presents more related content to the chapter’s particular question. He advises readers to become comfortable with silence in conversations and genuinely listen to answers.

The book’s seven questions are as follows: The Kickstart Question: What’s on Your Mind?; The AWE Question: And What Else?; The Focus Question: What’s the Real Challenge Here for You?; The Foundation Question: What Do You Want?; The Lazy Question: How Can I Help?; The Strategic Question: If You’re Saying “Yes” to This, What Are You Saying “No” to?; and The Learning Question: What Was Most Useful to You? These questions are meant to guide conversation so it is a reciprocal dialogue, not just the manager’s dialogue. Recognizing that managers and others in leadership positions are viewed by employees as having answers, Bungay Stanier warns managers against immediately giving advice as it creates expectations. Once an employee comes to expect advice, direction, or redistribution of work, they come to depend on their manager. In the long-term, this leads to a codependent relationship that steals growth opportunities for the employee while adding to the burden of the manager’s workload.

As the book proceeds, recurring themes surface, including Effective Communication, Coaching Techniques, and Fostering Meaningful Conversations. The book challenges orthodox approaches to each of these themes and presents insightful ways of perceiving them. For example, when it comes to effective communication, the book urges readers to immediately ask “What’s on your mind?” The rationale is that conversation starters can be somewhat challenging. Asking a direct question cuts small talk, limits the propensity to default to assumptions, and creates a pathway for mutual dialogue.

Bungay Stanier also examines two coaching methodologies: coaching for performance and coaching for development. The first method focuses on providing immediate feedback for the most pressing concerns. This type of coaching happens in the workplace and is inevitable. However, Bungay Stanier encourages managers to style their coaching toward development. The second method is more likely to have long-term benefits. It empowers employees, provides growth and learning opportunities, and fosters independence.

Bungay Stanier asserts that the seven questions foster more meaningful conversations. In a typical scenario, an employee might go to their manager seeking advice. If the manager resists the urge to provide advice and instead responds with the seven questions in mind, a real dialogue can take place. There should be a give and take, a different leadership model from the traditional, top-down command structure. The seven questions aim at creating conversations where people feel safe and open to learning. Advice, while sometimes warranted, is framed as an ineffective way for people to learn. Since the book’s goal is to help people develop, advice should be provided with care and in a limited fashion.

The book’s conclusion is a first-person anecdote that recalls a time when Bungay Stanier went hiking in Australia, his home country. After leaving the trailhead, he became lost. He considered whether to turn back and retrace his route or forge ahead off-trail. Bungay Stanier chose the latter option and dragged himself through brush and thickets. Finally, he was able to find the trail and another hiker arrived. When he inquired as to whether or not the hiker had the same experience, the hiker replied that he had only left the trailhead less than an hour ago. He had not lost the trail and was in much better condition than Bungay Stanier, who was exhausted. Bungay Stanier uses this anecdote to symbolize the benefits of employing a purposeful coaching strategy over an exhausting one in which one puts in lots of effort for little gain, as he had with his trek. Overall, the book’s tone is conversational, with Bungay Stanier poking fun at his own behavior and embellishing hypothetical discussions to engage readers.